I’ve been feeling down lately. I don’t know if it’s the flatness you feel after completing a big project (in my case, finishing 2 major corners at home), or because the mini projects I’ve been tackling are kind of tedious (more organizing and filing and sorting than decorating and crafting). Or it could be my growing discomfort with my situation right now. Work is dangerously veering towards overwhelming, but I’ve always managed to stay afloat on the work front somehow – that’s one aspect of my life I never let slide no matter what else happens in other areas! Though work is so busy that, aside from the mini projects I get to squeeze in every few days, I haven’t had time to read a book or even catch up on my favorite blogs.
The pregnancy is also starting to feel uncomfortable – my bump has decided to show itself to the world, and most days my tummy feels stretched too thin over my little baby. Sigh.
Maybe because I feel disappointed – in how our story turned out, in this supposed great story that turned out to be such a nightmare. Or maybe I’m disappointed with myself because I don’t like the situation but don’t feel capable enough to walk away from it. My head tells me one thing, but my actions tell me otherwise. And I suppose I’ve made a decision somehow now, and I’m not comfortable with the decision. I can’t seem to walk away completely but neither have I completely accepted the journey and the hard work I know I’d need to put in towards healing and forgiveness.
I think this is why the focus on the house is beyond pregnancy nesting. It’s trying to get my life organized, trying to assert a sense of order over an aspect of my life that I can control and be sure about, where every detail is certain and safe and well-thought out and loved. Dr. Inge says certain aspects of your character come to the fore when you hit a crisis, and it’s that character trait that carries you through the storm in your life. She says in my case it’s this OC-ness.
Pfft. I should go back to God, like my dear Jen and Amanda have been constantly encouraging me to do. I know He’s got a plan for me, and that I’ve got to patiently trust that everything will happen in the way He deems best, but it’s the waiting game that leaves me feeling out of sorts right now.